If you were to Google the words compatibility and love, you'd most likely end up with twenty pages of astrology websites. As if all we needed in life was to be sure our stars were aligned with our lover's. Then all would be perfect.
Right.
Compatibility is what makes a relationship work. It's what assures us that who we picked is right for us. But what exactly is compatibility?
According to the American Heritage Dictionary, to be compatible with another person means to exist in perfect harmony with them. Well, that would be nice, but not very practical. Perfect harmony is not a feasible goal, although we should aim for an affable relationship so that we can live in accord with one another. What we need is for the person with whom we want to spend the rest of our life with to accept and respect our values.
Each person has a set of core values that he or she lives by. It's what makes us tick. It's those deep-down fundamental needs that we all carry within ourselves that must be fulfilled in order for us to be happy. We usually develop our value systems early in life, and get most of them from our parents and family members, and our cultures and religions. It's what gives us strength and our sense of security. If we are with someone who doesn't respect our values, it can threaten our security, our sense of self and who we are. It can shake our entire foundation. We lose trust with those who don't accept us for our beliefs.
Then does compatibility mean that we have to be with someone who shares the exact same values? The same likes and dislikes and behaviors? That may seem a harmonious way to live and less cause for arguments, but is it practical? How many people have you met who share the exact same ideas and needs and principles as you do? And what about the old adage, opposites attract? That's a great way to learn new things and keep a relationship alive, right? Yeah, and constant screaming matches when you get so frustrated by the crazy things your loved-one is doing.
While we don't need to be with someone who entirely shares our values, we do need for our loved one to accept the values we hold dear and to respect them. And we need to respect their values as well. And for someone to accept a value or a belief, they must also find some merit in its importance. For example, if you believe financial security is very important, and your significant other just spends as he pleases, you'll never get along. Your value, your belief that financial security will make you safe is a fundamental principle in your life. Without it, you'll feel insecure and unhappy. So his spending will always make you feel anxious.
It's the same with any other value. We hold onto these beliefs for our well-being and our happiness. To be with someone who challenges our values and goes against them will cause us to lose our foundation, our security and our trust. We must be compatible in our relationships with others to continue to grow and to be happy.
When you're with someone who accepts you and respects your values, even if he or she doesn't share all of them, you're almost always guaranteed a successful relationship.
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